Thursday, October 12, 2006

The Grim Richard Gazette

I'm giving up on the news. I'm officially tired of it. What's the point of reading about events that you can't possibly effect or change? Consider the the last presidential race, for instance. I've spent hours telling people how they should vote with little or no results to show for it. Some people - I'm not lying - even refused to tell me how they voted.

I've even tried to affect important new events directly but, to be honest, if Britney Spears takes out one more restraining order on me - she's gonna lose her biggest fan.

Po po zao, baby.

Then it hit me. If I want to affect world events, I need more of the world's events to be about me. I decided to start the world's first newspaper dedicated solely to the coverage about me, Grim Richard.

Halfway through writing my inaugural article, though, I realized that an entire newspaper would take forever to write each day - and to read. In the interest of my time-starved reader (me) and my time-starved writer (me, again) I've decided to throw out the stories entirely and just publish the headlines - which, coincidentally, makes my newspaper exactly like CNN.

Here's the first issue of the Grim Richard Gazette, the newspaper I've dedicated to covering me, meant to be read by one person, me:

Movie Usher with Zits Calls Family Man "Sir"
Man Suddenly Realizes He Is "Freakin' Old"

Studies Show Hamburger Helper Edible Without Hamburger
Tuna Helper - Not So Much

Explorer Accidentally Discovers Unexplainable Patch of Hair
Dubs It "Tufts of McCready" After Fifth Grade Science Teacher

Man Refuses to Give 110% at Work
"That's Not Even Possible," Grim Richard Testifies to Boss

Boss Predicts Possible Economic Strife
Reports 110% Chance of Grim Richard Layoffs

Man Starts Newspaper About Self
"All News is Local," He Says. "Sometimes, Really, Really, Local"

Okay, so that last one was me being kind of lazy. But with a readership of one, I think I can forgive me.


Anonymous said...

Perhaps the Rocky and Bullwinkle name of your Headline's only GrimRichard only newspaper should be "Some Things To Munch On"

TimF said...

Amazingly, you have more than one reader. :->

I arrived here by following a link to your Nah-No-Bite posting and liked it so much that I read all the archive material.

Now I find myself checking daily for updates.

BlueGus31 said...

Richard, I second Timf's sentiment. I stumbled here somehow and just fell in love with your style. I am a lawyer and always on the look out for ways to improve my writing. So when I come across someone with a talent and unique view of things, I stop and look.

Keep up the good work. I love it.

Charles G said...

The news is taking on a quality that even makes David Lynch's universe look mild.

If you don't know what I'm talking about...good for you.

How about "The WTF News Network"?

I guess Smoking Gun already has that covered.