I'm giving up on the news. I'm officially tired of it. What's the point of reading about events that you can't possibly effect or change? Consider the the last presidential race, for instance. I've spent hours telling people how they should vote with little or no results to show for it. Some people - I'm not lying - even refused to tell me how they voted.
I've even tried to affect important new events directly but, to be honest, if Britney Spears takes out one more restraining order on me - she's gonna lose her biggest fan.
Po po zao, baby.
Then it hit me. If I want to affect world events, I need more of the world's events to be about me. I decided to start the world's first newspaper dedicated solely to the coverage about me, Grim Richard.
Halfway through writing my inaugural article, though, I realized that an entire newspaper would take forever to write each day - and to read. In the interest of my time-starved reader (me) and my time-starved writer (me, again) I've decided to throw out the stories entirely and just publish the headlines - which, coincidentally, makes my newspaper exactly like CNN.
Here's the first issue of the Grim Richard Gazette, the newspaper I've dedicated to covering me, meant to be read by one person, me:
Movie Usher with Zits Calls Family Man "Sir"
Man Suddenly Realizes He Is "Freakin' Old"
Studies Show Hamburger Helper Edible Without Hamburger
Tuna Helper - Not So Much
Explorer Accidentally Discovers Unexplainable Patch of Hair
Dubs It "Tufts of McCready" After Fifth Grade Science Teacher
Man Refuses to Give 110% at Work
"That's Not Even Possible," Grim Richard Testifies to Boss
Boss Predicts Possible Economic Strife
Reports 110% Chance of Grim Richard Layoffs
Man Starts Newspaper About Self
"All News is Local," He Says. "Sometimes, Really, Really, Local"
Okay, so that last one was me being kind of lazy. But with a readership of one, I think I can forgive me.