Thursday, March 22, 2007

Great Hemorrhoid Exodus

I would have posted last week, but I was afflicted with gout.

I realize that many of Grim Richard's readers might confuse gout with goiter, and are now incorrectly picturing Grim Richard with a humongous neck. Frankly, that makes me want to giggle. But I won't giggle and I'll tell you why.

First, I have to be careful with health jokes. When you have three readers, losing even one goiter-afflicted reader can be catastrophic. I know this from personal experience; who can forget the Great Grim Richard Hemorrhoid Exodus of '05?

I can't. That was a pain in my....

See? That's how slippery this slope is.

Second, every time I giggle, it makes my enormous, blood-engorged foot throb. For those who don't know, gout is a build up of "crystals" in the joints - especially the big toe - that results in painful inflammation. This is medical jargon that means that my enormous, blood-engorged foot is throbbing. The pain is excruciating but there is a bright side. Every time I write "enormous", "blood-engorged" and "throb", Google accidentally sends married, middle-aged men to my blog.

The final reason I won't giggle about goiter is this:

I am old now and I realize God is punishing me for making health jokes earlier in my life. I used to think ear hair was hysterical. Hemorrhoids made me laugh. Constipation? Ditto. Well, I don't laugh about them anymore, young whippersnappers.

And you know what?

I really, really regret all the male boob jokes.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

This certainly falls under the category of T.M.I. and yet I can't stop tuning in.

Number one reason - as has always been the case, I want to see what he will write next.

Keep up the excellent if occasionally disturbingly Richardesque vignettes.

PS: You have the extraordinary gift of making one and all adopt, even if only for a moment that soured look of unanticipated disgust that comes from being able to envision clearly what you intended to convey.

Grim Richard said...

Sorry, Anonymous, but it's like I told my wife before I married her:

"I'm gonna take you to the heights, baby, and I'm gonna take you to the depths...actually...now that I think about it, baby...there's gonna be a strong, strong trend toward the depths..."

Eric said...

I can't claim original-ness for this, but I can *certainly* claim agreement:

"It stops being funny when it starts being you."

Eric

Botch the Crab said...

I actually think it's funnier when it starts being you.