Now that summer is coming, my wife and I will be having our annual debate about the concept of "summer sweaters." It's just one of the clothes conversations we seasonally rotate, much like Pete's Wicked Ale does with its flavors. For instance, I usually have this conversation with my wife at least once every winter:
Her: "You should really wear a hat. Medical studies show that 70% of your body heat is lost through your head."
Me: "That doesn't make sense."
Her: "I saw it on the Today Show. Al Roker said it. It's a scientific fact."
Me: "So, you and Al Roker are saying that on a cold day, 70% of my body heat is lost through my head and 30% is lost through the rest of my body?"
Her: "Exactly."
Me: "So, it would actually be better for me to stand naked in the snow with a hat on than fully clothed and without a hat?"
Her: "You can shut up now."
I don't understand why people avoid conversations with me.
As I mentioned, our summer conversation flavor is "summer sweaters." My wife loves to wear 'em and I love to talk about 'em. I love to imagine the marketing meeting where the clothes manufacturers first dreamed up the concept.
Guy #1: "Okay, people we overproduced sweaters this winter and we've got a surplus of 2 million that we have to move. Who's got an idea?"
Guy #2: "I've got it! Let's cut off the arms on the sweaters and sell them in the middle of summer. We'll call them - wait for it - summer sweaters!"
Guy #1: "You're a genius, Jim. But will women buy an obviously uncomfortable item and wear it?"
Guy #2: "You're kidding, right?"
Guy #1: "Of course I am. I used to market thongs!"
I don't think my wife enjoys my ramblings about summer sweaters as much as she used to. Oh, sure, she'll walk around for days coquettishly muttering, "They don't have sleeves, you ass." and I'll usually respond with a flirty "Oh, good, because the sleeves are the really hot part of the sweater." - but it's just not the same. I need to find someone else to discuss clothes with.
This coming winter, I think I'll head up to New York and visit the Today Show. I'll find Al Roker during one of his weather reports, fling off my coat and stand there naked except for a hat. As I slowly turn blue and steam rises off my body, I ask Al this:
"There, Roker. Does that look like 30% to you?"
