Friday, June 22, 2007

UMSA

Here at Grim Richard's Irregulars, I've done my level best to cut down on the time I spend discussing bodily functions, breakdowns or oddities. Oh, sure, I still mention male boobs regularly, but never so often that my readers would think I'm obsessed with them and certainly not at a level which would make one suspect that I actually have a pair.

Because I don't. Seriously. I'm just saying.

For 15 years, though, one of my wife's behaviors has bothered me. The behavior troubles me so much that I must ask the boyfriends and husbands who read this column to help me answer the following, potentially gross question:

Does your wife or girlfriend enjoy popping your zits?

I've already taken a quick poll of the husbands where I work and three men meekly raised their hands.

"Sometimes," one of the men said quietly, "I'm afraid to walk around without a shirt on."

I understand how he feels. In the middle of conversations, I see my wife's eyes moving over my torso and face in search of ingrown hairs, blackheads and bulging zits. If she finds one, she roughly pushes me down and sets to work on popping it. If I protest, she desperately bargains with me.

"Let me do this," she says, "and I'll let you buy a video game."

I feel stupid. I know I should decline as a matter of principle, but I really like video games.

I've racked my brain trying to understand this obsession. Why would a grown adult fixate on naturally occurring biological bumps on my body? Why would someone objectify another person like this?

Asking these questions usually causes me to experience an Uncomfortable Moment of Self-Awareness (UMSA). I have a lot of these UMSAs. Luckily, if you ignore them, they go away quickly.

So, male readers, let us know if your wife is a zit popper. I'll feel better if I'm not alone is this. And female readers, I urge you to come out of the zit popping closet and admit you have a problem.

But please hurry. My back zit problem has gotten worse lately. I'm not sure if it's related but I woke up the other night to find my wife standing over me with bottle of vegetable oil.

"What are you doing?" I asked sleepily.

She put a glistening finger to her lips to shush me.

"Go back to sleep," she said soothingly. "They're not ready yet."


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9 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's not just you.

I had no idea of this behavior until I met my wife. She loves to do it and says that it relaxes her. I don't know how common it is, as none of my exes ever did anything like it, but my wife does it, and her sisters also do it to their menfolk.

Maybe it's a genetic hangover from when we primates would sit around grooming each other; I've always said she has the 'grooming gene'.

Women are full of surprises.

Lindsay said...

So ok Richard I think all women do this. I personally get a sense of accomplishment when that white/yellow/ or green puss squirts out. Its like a relief. I love it! Anyway, I also enjoy peeling off sunburns. You know when you crack a crab leg and you pull out the inside in one nice long piece. Peeling offers this sensation too. When you get a big peice of skin. I dont think this is wierd in fact I appreciate your wifes addiction because I personally do not want to see a big ass white head sticking off your face. Thanks

Carlos C. said...

My fiance does this to me all the time. Luckily, I have been on a zit free streak for about two months now and she is getting kind of bothered by not having any zits to pop. I think it is a compulsion in women. I have had a lot of my friends admit that their significant others do this to them as well.

BM said...

My wife is also very fond of this "pastime". She claims to find it relaxing. *shrugs* but damn sometimes she can be really rough in her pursuit of relaxation!

Anonymous said...

Yeah my ex did that until I made her tell me I had one so I could pop it myself.

...

Then she slept with another man.
You think there's a connection?

Anonymous said...

my ex-girlfriend used to do it obsessively - she was also bulemic, so had ocd tendencies.

my wife, however, thinks it's disgusting and doesn't go near my zits.

Publisher, The Whited News said...

What is the deal with this? My wife is also fascinated by it. She gets excited if she thinks she might get a chance to pop one. Sad to report that I've never gotten a video game out of it even thought it hurts like a sumbitch.

Den, of Earth said...

My mother did that to me all the time when I was a teenager. I hated it. But what was I gonna do? She was my mom!

Anonymous said...

I remember when I was about 8 that my older brother had a massive one on his back - he said he realized he had it because it hurt when the shower water hit against it -- my father popped it for him and had to duck as it popped because it was so large and under so much pressure that it shot across the room. For years he had a residual crater that would fill up and require release -- it is all about release.