Thursday, December 06, 2007

The Unreview

I'm a man with varied and eclectic interests that include reading, writing and working on elaborate science projects with my kids. I am, however, also a busy man and I've concluded that actually spending time on any of these interests would consume way too much of my discretionary time. For this reason, I don't actually participate in any of my hobbies, but I do enjoy buying stuff that gives me the appearance of actually participating.

Lately, instead of reading, I've been trying to buy Amazon's new electronic reading device, the Kindle. The Kindle, for those who don't know, is a white, paperback-sized device that lets you buy books wirelessly and begin reading them almost instantly - all for the low price of $400. I used the phrase "trying to buy" because the Amazon Kindle is sold out and will not be available until February.

A person less dedicated to buying stuff might use this opportunity to actually read books the old fashioned way. Not me. Instead, I've spent hours reading the Amazon reviews for the Kindle. I haven't actually learned anything new about the device, but I have learned something cool about the consumers who write Amazon reviews:

Hundreds of people who have never actually touched the device have given it negative reviews. That's right. Of the hundreds of negative reviews garnered by the Kindle, only a fraction were written by people who've actually used the device.

Frankly, this was an epiphany. For years, I've held back my opinion on various products because I hadn't actually used them. I've stifled my thoughts on hundreds of movies I haven't seen and buried my feelings concerning thousands of books I haven't had the time to read.

I had no idea you could unreview something.

Well, I'm going to make up for lost time. I'm planning to become the Internet's - nay, the world's - best unreviewer. And I've started by unreviewing the Kindle. You can read my unreview here.


Anonymous said...

I was shocked and awed to discover that amazon won't let you post unless you have at least purchased something from them - I think this several inhibits the art of the unreview and must surely be against the law - below is what I would have posted had I not been block from exercising my rights ...

I didn't actually read the R. Grimes 11/30/07 review entitled, "I pulled this review out of thin air" but I have several comments to make about it.

First - clearly this individual is brilliant and most certainly should have his on talk radio show and will one day knock Howard Stern from his throne as 'King of All Media'.

Second - I really like big hamburgers with cheese.

Third - Popcorn is real good too.

Fourth - Anyone who can review a product without having utilized it most likely has the mutant x gene we have been hearing so much about and as such this person should be both reviled and emulated.

Fifth - I like to make enumerated lists of random thoughts or "near-thoughts" often referred to as 'protothoughts.'

Sixth - Any show that has done an all musical episode is a good show.

Seventh - Asking who is R. Grimes is like asking who is John Galt.

Eighth - I am certain that everyone thinks Picard is an idiot because when he and Kirk were in the nexus they could have stepped back into the surrounding universe at any point in time - why not step back in time when the badguy (who was also in clockwork orange) was still on the enterprise and save all that drama? - Do you think Picard saw his chance to take out Kirk and took it? Also maybe he just wanted to get a ship upgrade because he was envious of Janeway.

Ninth - R. Grimes should have a role in the new star trek movie as a rouge that they encounter that makes Kirk question himself as a man - thus creating the womanizing story arc that we all identify with so much. Also I am sure he as friends that would make great characters in the star trek universe as well. He and his friends can have a ship that crosses paths with the young Kirk lead crew and influences and helps to cleverly create the story arcs that have been running for 40 plus years now.

Tenth - I like star trek.

Anonymous said...

Don't you just hat people that don't edit there posts -

First paragraph - should knot bee "several" should be "severely"
also should be "blocked" not "block"

First point - should be "own" not "on"

I think if all grout was mildew colored there would be less of a market for cleaning products.

I didn't by anything form amazon either so I can't post on their sit

butt if I could I would have blasted anonymous for such a grammatically incorrect post becuase that is what is important since no one actually reviewed the product.

I have to agree with anonymous though big hamburgers with cheese - known the world over as cheeseburgers are very very good - and that is defintely true when watching anything set in the Star Trek universe -- live long and spellcheck

Anonymous said...

I don't know what all this is about but I followed a link from some dude that posts sporadically and named his blog after a quote from Heavy Metal - perhaps some of John Candy's best voice actor work. It looks like there is some encouragement to make lists - If that is the case, here is one for you: By the way, - I really like big hamburgers with cheese but also with bacon on them - I have heard them referred to as "bacon cheeseburgers" I think that is a pretty good name for them. Also Deep Space Nine should have been called Broke Back Station - none of those dudes can quit each other - Will and Grace is a show about a bunch of straight people compared to Broke Back Station - yea "wormhole" right lets explore the worm hole - maybe well will find richard gere's gerbil

Anyway below is the list:

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen indeed -- here is a better league then that "Den..." dude and his friends came up with --

Bill "The Butcher" Poole -- Gangs of New York;

Indiana Jones -- Raiders of the Lost Arc;

The Terminator -- The Terminator;

Billy Flynn -- Chicago;

Max Headroom -- Max Headroom;

Jonathan Quale Higgins III -- Magnum PI;

Jack Horner -- Boogie Nights;

John Elder -- The Sons of Katie Elder;

Denny Crane & Allan Shore -- Boston Legal;

Adrian Monk -- Monk;

Chris Angel -- Mind Freak;

Jack Bower -- 24;

Paris -- Mission Impossible (TV Cast)

Captain Merrill Stubing -- The Love Boat;

Arthur Fonzie Fonzarelli -- Happy Days;

and of course no League of Extraordinary Gentlemen would be complete without

Sy Liebergot - Apollo 13

Grim Richard said...

Hey,'s a slippery slope when you start taking people to task for spelling might, for instance, discover that the owner of the blog sometimes posts without properly proofing...

Anonymous said...

"knot" "bee" "there" "sit" "butt" don't you just hate when people criticise posts an than have a bunch of misteaks themselves - but those guys are definitely ontoo something a bout big hamburgers with cheeze and bacon - I have heard that if there is more than once piece of meat in additon to the cheese and bacon it could be a double or even a triplebaconcheese burger - now that would be something worth buying on amazon -

also stake is really good particularly ribeye damn now I'm hungary

Anonymous said...

hay, I thought this was supposed to be about "The Unreivew"

what is all this about bacon cheeze burgers and claiming to be a country.

If I was a country I would want to be America not Hungary - America is where the big hamburger was first invented - how come they never ate hamburgers in star trek - I mean that had to survive into the future - do you think in the alternate universe that a hamburger would be two pieces of meat on either side of a piece of bread? Who is John Galt anyway is he someone on the Howard Stern show? My spell check is broke so I won't even go their

Anonymous said...

Is a bacon cheesbuger with lettuce and tomatoe a BLT with cheese and beef - or is it something else -

if we are reviewing food, I like flaky buttery biscuts with a good burn on them

Anonymous said...

I like flaky buttery biscuts too - I think that the giant hamburger bun should be replaced with a giant buttery flaky biscut -- I would still want cheese, bacon and hamburger on it though otherwise it wouldn't be a baconcheese burger - but I am not sure if you would have to call it a baconcheeseburger giant biscut or if the giant biscut is implied - I think there would have to be a pardigm shift for the biscut to be implied - I wouldn't but lettuce and tomato on it though - because it would make it too wet. do they sell biscuts on amazon? Although you can't have enough posts about star trek - I would rather comment on starwars - what the heck is the deal with the little bug things that cause the force - made more sense that it was some sort of mystical power that people could get in tune with and draw on and hone - sorta like that hailie jo kid being able to seed dead people now that was weird - oh am I supposed to make a list too

well I like musicals and giant bacon cheddar biscut burgers.

Anonymous said...

I think everyone is missing the point here - I mean I like a giant buttery bacon cheddar biscut burger as much as the next guy but what does that have to do with taxidermy?

If I am understanding correctly we are supposed to list which famaous people we think are amateur taxidermists. Below is my list:

Steve Buscemi
Christopher Loydd
Jeff Goldblum
Vincent Schiavelli
John Malkovich
Jim Henson
Frank Oz
and of course
George Lucas

Anonymous said...

I don't know where that taxidermy stuff came from but I did want to put my two cents in on this whole cheeseburger/buttery biscut thing. I don't know why you would have a buttery biscut bacon cheeseburger (giant or otherwise) when you could substite Texas Toast for the normal hamburger bun - I mean that is one heck of a good bread product and if you get a good grilled burn on it there is no problem with juices making the bread soggy. - The real question is whether the best side to go with a hamburger is popcorn, chips, french fries or onion rings. I would like to see someone tackle that one - also I can comment a bit on amazon's service because I have never bought anything from them - I think they need to allow posts from non-purchasers to generate that much needed dialog between their customer base and potential customer base otherwise what do you have? Am I Right?

Anonymous said...

Soggy bread is not a good thing and giant buttery bacon cheddar biscut burgers are - nuff said.