Mom, Get Thee to a Nunnery

This has been my goal: to write one example of everything that can be written. To this end, I’ve written books, poems, obituaries, speeches, short stories, scripts, love letters, web columns (and blogs, of course), newspaper articles and advertising of various kinds. I’ve even written letters explaining why friends of mine should receive mortgage loans (Did they get the loans? You bet). I’ve never been afraid to write anything.

Until now. My recently-separated mother has requested that I write her E-Harmony personal ad.

I can’t tell you how much this creeps me out. Oh, wait. Yes, I can. My mother would like me to fashion an advertisement that will attract men to her, men who presumably want to date her and have whatever kind of sex old people have. In effect, my mother wants me to pimp her out.

Yeah, that about explains it.

The creepiness doesn’t stop there. Apparently, one of my mother’s friends has already taken a stab at writing a personal ad for her. My mother wants me to use this ad as a kind of template. This ad contained adjectives like “exciting” and “sexual”.

Shiver.

I’m making a promise to my own children right now. Kids, I will never, ever force you to utter the words “sexual” and “Dad” in the same conversation. Your mother and I will do the proper parenting thing and hide our sexuality like monks. Hell, we’ll hide it like homosexual football player monks. Rest easy, but knock before you come into our bedroom.

That said, I’m gonna write the ad for my mother. Ultimately, she’s a good person in search of another good person. And I’m a writer in search of a challenge.

Here’s my plan. I’m gonna dredge up all of my advertising copy skills and match it against the unsuspecting studs on E-Harmony. I’m going to “brand” my mother and craft a message that will enhance my mother’s “brand image”. I’m going to use every skill in my web advertising arsenal. I’m gonna ask the E-Harmony people about “click-throughs”, “sell-throughs” and “calls-to-action”.

Rest easy, Mom. These guys are consumers and we’re gonna hit them like a Budweiser Super Bowl ad.