Big Breasted Baywatch Nights

My wife and I jog together now. We jog at night, partially because it’s cooler but also because the neighbors had a talk with my wife. I’m not sure what my jogging Speedo has to do with neighborhood property values, but my wife assures me that there’s a link.

We’re close enough to the beach to spend part of each run jogging there. As we pound down the sandy water line, I’m surprised by a few things.

I sweat a lot, for instance. And I mean A LOT. I sweat so much UNICEF should hire me to accompany Angelina Jolie to arid third world countries where I could just jog in a circle and sweat. Thirsty villagers could run behind me with earthen containers and catch the sweat and take it back to their families.

I’ve also noticed that despite giving birth to three babies, my wife is still hot – even while running. It reminds me of “Baywatch” – not seasons 10 and 11 where they decided to call it “Baywatch Hawaii” but more like the classic seasons 4 through 7 where you had Pamela Anderson and Yasmine Bleeth, both of whom were really good at, uh, running and being hot at the same time.

I feel just like David Hasselhoff in “Baywatch” when my wife and I run; I am entranced by the sight of beautiful, magnificent breasts bouncing in time to our cadence – until I realize that they are my big, beautiful breasts bouncing in time to my big, beautiful belly.

And then I really feel like David Hasselhoff.

It makes me hum the theme from “Baywatch” – not the official theme by Jimi Jamison, formerly of Survivor, but the original theme by Peter Cetera, formerly of the band Chicago.