Monday, September 08, 2008

Identify This!

    It's done. Last week, my first published book, "The Book of Gabriel" hit and set the Web site on fire.
    Okay. That's an overstatement. It's ranked like 362,762 today.
    I really thought this whole bestselling author thing would be easier. I figured readers might need maybe a week to find my book, an hour to read it and possibly a day or two to start tearfully enjoining their friends to jump on the Grim Richard bandwagon. According to my calculations, I should already be sitting by the pool in a smoking jacket and turning down interviews from Oprah.
    No such luck. And to make matters worse, writing this entry just reminded me that I totally forgot to buy a bandwagon. How are people going to jump on the Grim Richard bandwagon, when I don't even have one?
    This bestselling author thing is tougher than I thought.
    I can take it. After all, I'm an unknown author who wrote a book smart-ass book of advice for his son - A smart-ass book that includes stories about growing up in nudist camp and babies with rotisserie heads. There's a reason why I kept getting rejection letters that said, "I love this book, but I have no idea how I'd sell it."
    But here's what hurts. You want to know what book is currently perched at number 71,634 on's book list? It's a hardcover book called "Identifying Wood: Accurate Results with Simple Tools ". As you might expect, it's a book about looking at wood grain and identifying which species of tree it comes from.
    I'm being outsold by a book on wood.  That really puts things into perspective. And I really, really hate perspective.
    I don't care about the smoking jacket and Oprah anymore. I don't care about being a bestselling author. I just want the "The Book of Gabriel" to outsell a book about wood. That's my lofty goal. I'll let you know how it goes.
    I only have one problem so far. I truly, deeply and devoutly want to buy "Identifying Wood" just to say I have a book about wood identification. The only thing stopping me from giving it the quick click purchase on Amazon?
    I'm saving up for a bandwagon. They're outselling my book, too.


Anonymous said...

Have Faith Brother Grim - you have a voice that should and will be heard. You resonate.

PS: Have a flaky buttery biscuit with just a hint of burn on the bottom - all things are better with or on a biscuit.

PSS: Buy the book on identifying wood - there are not enough people in the world who can identify wood on sight - you should be one of them. It will be a fun thing to show Ellen Degeneres that you can do when you are on her show - I recomend accepting an invitation to her show before accepting one to Oprah - Ellen has a likable way of bringing out the best from anyone she interviews.

Den, of Earth said...

I can identify wood by looking at it, even without a book... I just glance at an object and (unless a lot of paint is involved) I say "that is made of wood" (or the reverse if it is more accurate).

What? types of wood? why would I want to do that?!?

The 'Book of Gabriel' features a story about ME! So you know it's good!

(well I'm mentioned, I think...)

Botch the Crab said...

I just immediately went and purchased The Book of Gabriel on!

To get the free shipping, I added to my order The Little Book of Hindu Deities (Amazon rank #12,572 in Books).

They seem like a strangely appropriate pair.

Ron said...

Congtats Richard. My copy arrived today via Amazon and Melissa quickly grabbed it for herself. She's reading it in bed as we speak. Just what I need, more competition in bed. Thanks!


AncientDreamer said...

Congratulations, Richard. I'll be sure to buy a copy so my kids can peek inside the mind of one of my adolescent influences. Hopefully, they won't hold it against you...

Anonymous said...

Hey richard,

I think if you combine the Pianus post with this "identifying wood" post, you'll hit a synergistic speedballing novel. That thar should atleast get you to 37,000th place.

:) How are things going? I'm enjoying the blog