It's done. Last week, my first published book, "The Book of Gabriel" hit Amazon.com and set the Web site on fire.
Okay. That's an overstatement. It's ranked like 362,762 today.
I really thought this whole bestselling author thing would be easier. I figured readers might need maybe a week to find my book, an hour to read it and possibly a day or two to start tearfully enjoining their friends to jump on the Grim Richard bandwagon. According to my calculations, I should already be sitting by the pool in a smoking jacket and turning down interviews from Oprah.
No such luck. And to make matters worse, writing this entry just reminded me that I totally forgot to buy a bandwagon. How are people going to jump on the Grim Richard bandwagon, when I don't even have one?
This bestselling author thing is tougher than I thought.
I can take it. After all, I'm an unknown author who wrote a book smart-ass book of advice for his son - A smart-ass book that includes stories about growing up in nudist camp and babies with rotisserie heads. There's a reason why I kept getting rejection letters that said, "I love this book, but I have no idea how I'd sell it."
But here's what hurts. You want to know what book is currently perched at number 71,634 on Amazon.com's book list? It's a hardcover book called "Identifying Wood: Accurate Results with Simple Tools ". As you might expect, it's a book about looking at wood grain and identifying which species of tree it comes from.
I'm being outsold by a book on wood. That really puts things into perspective. And I really, really hate perspective.
I don't care about the smoking jacket and Oprah anymore. I don't care about being a bestselling author. I just want the "The Book of Gabriel" to outsell a book about wood. That's my lofty goal. I'll let you know how it goes.
I only have one problem so far. I truly, deeply and devoutly want to buy "Identifying Wood" just to say I have a book about wood identification. The only thing stopping me from giving it the quick click purchase on Amazon?
I'm saving up for a bandwagon. They're outselling my book, too.
6 comments:
Have Faith Brother Grim - you have a voice that should and will be heard. You resonate.
PS: Have a flaky buttery biscuit with just a hint of burn on the bottom - all things are better with or on a biscuit.
PSS: Buy the book on identifying wood - there are not enough people in the world who can identify wood on sight - you should be one of them. It will be a fun thing to show Ellen Degeneres that you can do when you are on her show - I recomend accepting an invitation to her show before accepting one to Oprah - Ellen has a likable way of bringing out the best from anyone she interviews.
I can identify wood by looking at it, even without a book... I just glance at an object and (unless a lot of paint is involved) I say "that is made of wood" (or the reverse if it is more accurate).
What? types of wood? why would I want to do that?!?
The 'Book of Gabriel' features a story about ME! So you know it's good!
(well I'm mentioned, I think...)
I just immediately went and purchased The Book of Gabriel on amazon.com!
To get the free shipping, I added to my order The Little Book of Hindu Deities (Amazon rank #12,572 in Books).
They seem like a strangely appropriate pair.
Congtats Richard. My copy arrived today via Amazon and Melissa quickly grabbed it for herself. She's reading it in bed as we speak. Just what I need, more competition in bed. Thanks!
Ron
Congratulations, Richard. I'll be sure to buy a copy so my kids can peek inside the mind of one of my adolescent influences. Hopefully, they won't hold it against you...
Hey richard,
I think if you combine the Pianus post with this "identifying wood" post, you'll hit a synergistic speedballing novel. That thar should atleast get you to 37,000th place.
:) How are things going? I'm enjoying the blog
merch
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