Le Frolic

 I like swimming. If that’s not surprising to you, it’s way surprising for me.

        I’ve been capable of swimming for most of my life, but I have never enjoyed it - which is odd, because I’ve lived most of my life near the beaches. I even lifeguarded at the city beach for an entire summer, watching pale Canadian tourists frolic in the surf.

And believe me, French Canadians love le frolic. You can tell by their love of really, really tight male swimsuits.

But if those careless, Speedo-clad Quebecois had any idea how much I hated swimming, they might have opted to move down the beach to another, more fish-like lifeguard.

        A few weeks ago, though, I sat on my Florida back porch lamenting to my wife about my increasingly undependable right ankle.

        “It hurts me when I run on it too much,” I said. “It’s interfering with my plans to use a few months of cardiovascular exercise to undo the 40 years of damage that I have inflicted on my body with snack foods. ”

        Bridget gestured to the pool in our backyard.

        “You could swim,” she said.

        “No, seriously,” I said. “You know that Funyuns are the anti-anti oxidant, right?”

        So, I swam 50 laps in our mid-sized inground pool. And I loved it. It elevated my heart rate and worked my muscles, but required very little movement of my ankle. During my best moments, I felt like Namor, the mighty Sub-Mariner, King of the Atlanteans.

        Until I swam my board shorts off.

        It turns out that I have an almost two dimensional ass, highly respected in geometry circles but not so much in keeping-your-swimsuit-on circles. Normal asses typically prevent board shorts from coming off during prolonged swimming. My ass, however, lets board shorts slip like butter on a skillet.

        And there is only one cure. Well...two cures...but I’m going to need to save up for the implants. That leaves only one option.

        I cannot muster the courage to walk outside to our pool in the dark blue Speedo swimsuit - even in the dark. Instead, i put on my manly orange board shorts over the Speedos, climb into the pool and then remove the board shorts.

        And then I swim like a fish...no, like an Atlantean. It feels magnificent cutting through the water without the drag of board shorts. At the end of a swim I am winded, tired and euphoric. I am content in knowing one thing.

        I love le frolic.